it is worth it

1 Samuel 2:1-11

"Hannah prayed......

I’m bursting with God-news!
    I’m walking on air.
I’m laughing at my rivals.
    I’m dancing my salvation.

Nothing and no one is holy like God,
    no rock mountain like our God.
Don’t dare talk pretentiously—
    not a word of boasting, ever!
For God knows what’s going on.
    He takes the measure of everything that happens.
The weapons of the strong are smashed to pieces,
    while the weak are infused with fresh strength.
The well-fed are out begging in the streets for crusts,
    while the hungry are getting second helpings.
The barren woman has a houseful of children,
    while the mother of many is bereft.

God brings death and God brings life,
    brings down to the grave and raises up.
God brings poverty and God brings wealth;
    he lowers, he also lifts up.
He puts poor people on their feet again;
    he rekindles burned-out lives with fresh hope,
Restoring dignity and respect to their lives—
    a place in the sun!
For the very structures of earth are God’s;
    he has laid out his operations on a firm foundation.
He protectively cares for his faithful friends, step by step,
    but leaves the wicked to stumble in the dark.
    No one makes it in this life by sheer muscle!
God’s enemies will be blasted out of the sky,
    crashed in a heap and burned.
God will set things right all over the earth,
    he’ll give strength to his king,
    he’ll set his anointed on top of the world!

Elkanah went home to Ramah. The boy stayed and served God in the company of Eli the priest."

After all the years and years of yearning to be a mother, ridicule from the "other" woman who had many children, then finally getting the best gift in the world - Hannah gave her child over to the Lord, as she promised she would.  Then her response was - PRAISE God.

She followed through with her promise to the Lord, and dedicated her son to God's service, fully and completely.  Greater joy than having Samuel, was the joy she found when she placed him in the arms of the Father.  She made a very costly commitment, but it was worth it.

It is worth it.  

I remind myself of that daily.  When I take the trash bag out for the 87th time.  When I wash another sink full of dirty dishes.  When I fold another load of socks, underwear, gym shorts.  When I lay down on the couch for a "minute" and the phone rings or beeps.  When I get asked for another amount of money for something needed.  When I have no idea how I am going to buy more food.  When I am so tired I can't drive, but get in the car again.  When I have the same conversation over and over about not cussing, stealing, screaming, throwing gang signs, making a mess.   

It is worth it.

Hannah struggled with self worth.  She was not able to have children and the lies that came from others around her, made her feel insecure and lonely.  But something happened that day she prayed in the temple.  Something in the spirit broke over her mind, her heart, and her body.  All the years of being in the wasteland, were over in an instant.   

It is worth it.

God hears our prayers.  And he answers them too.  He doesn't leave us hanging.  He doesn't forget about us.  He doesn't forsake us.  He doesn't neglect us.  He doesn't sit us in the back of the room - He puts us right next to Him, in seats of honor and in robes of righteousness.   

It is worth it.

Children are a gift.  When they are messy, mad, moody - they are a messy, mad, moody gift.  When they are demanding, emotional, grumpy - they are a demanding, emotional, grumpy gift.  When they forget to lock the door, wash the dishes, turn the lights off - they are still a gift.  When you don't know where they are, won't answer the phone, make choices that are harmful to themselves, do things that could have them end up in jail or dead - yep, they are still a gift.  They are children, and they ARE a gift.   

It is worth it.

Yesterday there were 15 gifts in my house . Of all ages and all sizes.  The pantry was just about emptied out, again.  The trash was full, again.  The sink was full, again.  The floor was dirty, again.  The volume level was extremely high, again.  The rubbing of my head was in effect, again.  The moment the Lord stopped me in the middle of it all and reminded me what it was for, again..... 

It is worth it.

The more time I spend with Hannah, the more I feel so much like her.  I've been in that same wasteland that she was in - longing to have children, be a mother.  Years of knowing that God made me to be a mother, yet I was still single, still waiting.  And in an instant, God broke the things over me in the spirit that He broke over Hannah.  And I didn't get one child, I got about 100!  And just like Hannah committed Samuel over to the Lord, I am doing the same.  I was folding a pile of socks the other day, praying for one of my boys that is just going through some hard things, thinking to myself, "this is not what I had in mind" and Jesus sat on the table in front of me, smiled real big, handed me a sock, and said, "but this is exactly what I had in mind."   

It is worth it.

connecting the great divide

It's always in the most random of places where the Lord speaks the the most random of things to me.

Wednesday morning I was in spin class at 5:30 am, and in the middle of class, Jesus started giving me visions of the Grand Canyon.  Weird, right?  I was spinning and trying to keep up and trying to figure out what in the world the Grand Canyon had to do with spin.

The Lord said three words in the middle of the vision, "the great divide."  That was it.  I love it when He keeps me hanging.....but not for long, because then He gives me time to understand what He is trying to teach me.

Several years ago I had the chance to see the sun rise over the Grand Canyon on Easter morning.  One of those moments in life I will never forget.  Just the majesty of such an incredible thing that happens every morning, then the majesty of such an incredible thing that God made happen for us to get to see.  It really is majestic.

So, this vision, those three words, my memory of that morning.......

"What, Lord, are you trying to tell me?"

Two masses of land, separated, independent of each other, at least on the surface.  Each side has one thing that connects them - what is underneath, and a stream of water running right through it.

"Ok, Lord, I think I am starting to get it.  But, what else?"

Another vision came.  It was me in someone's house, a big, beautiful, house.  They were showing me around at all the things they had accumulated over the years.  They showed me one room off the kitchen that was full of food.  Like, floor to ceiling stacked high with food.  Canned goods, breads, sweets, anything you could think of, it was in there.  A room that is bigger than my bedroom, full of food.


And then another vision.  Me in my house, trying to feed everyone that comes through the door.  Opening the pantry and the refrigerator and not having anything in there, or only having just enough for the next meal.


"Ok, Lord, what does this have to do with the Grand Canyon????"

Jesus said to me, "There are two masses of people, those that have, and those that do not.  But I connect them.  They are the same to me.  I am the One that made them.  I am the One that separated them on the surface.  I am the One that connects them underneath.  I am the One that has fresh, freely flowing living water right down the middle of them.  I am the One that will bridge that gap for you, to help you get what you need."

I walked out of the gym, came home, sat on the porch, and just processed.

I spent the last 18 months asking for help to get the Light House finished, and I have SO many stories of how Jesus brought one miracle after another to get it done.  Crazy stories I love to share.  Perfect timing stories that make no sense to me.

And I feel like now I will spent the rest of my life here asking for help to keep the Light House open.  I told some of the boys last night in the middle of the street, after a tough conversation, "I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE SO GET USED TO ME!"

This week I have gone through 3 cases of water, 6 bottles of lemonade mix, 3 packs of freeze pops, 5 big bags of assorted chips, 3 gallons of milk, multiple packs of noodles, 5 cooked meals for dinner, and a billion zillion trillion open and shutting the door sounds.  This week has got me tired.  For real, it was a long week.  Last night the boys saw me cry.  It was awkward, but this is real life down here.

Many people have asked how they can help me now.  And so many people have already helped me so much, we have not had one day that anyone was hungry or thirsty.  I have tried my best to come up with a list of things that we need, or would like to have here on hand.  This is the best way I can share with anyone that would like to join up with me here to feed my little flock.

The most beautiful thing about this picture...........

both sides of the great divide see the same sun. 

Needs for the house:

Laundry detergent and dryer sheets – Gain

Dish washing detergent and dishwasher detergent – Gain

Bath wash, shampoo, deodorant for boys (they like Axe)

Lotion for boys (coco butter)

Toilet paper

Paper towels

Garbage bags

Paper plates, cups

Zip lock bags

Aluminum foil

Big set of nice Tupperware

Clorox wipes

Febreeze

Swifter pads and spray containers

Magic erasers (to clean walls)

Glade plug ins

Bathroom trash cans and bags

Towels/bath cloths – picked some out at Target

Light bulbs

Laundry baskets – need about 4

For the boys – tall white socks, white tank tops, v-neck white tshirts, boxers (all sizes in all of these)

Plastic hangers

6 bed pillows

Needs for the pantry:

Water – large and small bottles

Freeze pops

Lemonade mix

Powerade/gatorade mix

Tea bags

Milk – gallons of 2%

Peanut butter and grape jelly

Hot pockets

Assorted bags of chips (the hot Cheetos)

White bread

Canned vegetables (kernel corn, cream corn, green beans, black beans, red beans, rotel)

Canned ravioli – pop tops

Popcorn

Fruit cups (peaches and mixed fruit)

REAL fruit – oranges, apples, strawberries, grapes

Peanut butter filled pretzels

Ramen noodles

Nutri-Grain breakfast bars

Chocolate chip granola bars

Pancake mix/syrup

Cereal – Cinamon toast crunch, fruity pebbles, fruit loops

Frozen foods/meats – chicken tenders, hot wings, french fries, ground beef, chicken breast

Anything your kids eat, my kids would eat.  (except for kale chips.  they won't try those yet.)

And donations are always helpful, to keep us afloat with many things around here.

birthing something new

 1 Samuel

"There once was a man who lived in Ramathaim. He was descended from the old Zuph family in the Ephraim hills. His name was Elkanah. (He was connected with the Zuphs from Ephraim through his father Jeroham, his grandfather Elihu, and his great-grandfather Tohu.) He had two wives. The first was Hannah; the second was Peninnah. Peninnah had children; Hannah did not.

Every year this man went from his hometown up to Shiloh to worship and offer a sacrifice to God-of-the-Angel-Armies. Eli and his two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, served as the priests of God there. When Elkanah sacrificed, he passed helpings from the sacrificial meal around to his wife Peninnah and all her children, but he always gave an especially generous helping to Hannah because he loved her so much, and because God had not given her children. But her rival wife taunted her cruelly, rubbing it in and never letting her forget that God had not given her children. This went on year after year. Every time she went to the sanctuary of God she could expect to be taunted. Hannah was reduced to tears and had no appetite.

 Her husband Elkanah said, “Oh, Hannah, why are you crying? Why aren’t you eating? And why are you so upset? Am I not of more worth to you than ten sons?”  So Hannah ate. Then she pulled herself together, slipped away quietly, and entered the sanctuary. The priest Eli was on duty at the entrance to God’s Temple in the customary seat. Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. Then she made a vow:

Oh, God-of-the-Angel-Armies,
If you’ll take a good, hard look at my pain,
If you’ll quit neglecting me and go into action for me
By giving me a son,
I’ll give him completely, unreservedly to you.
I’ll set him apart for a life of holy discipline.

It so happened that as she continued in prayer before God, Eli was watching her closely. Hannah was praying in her heart, silently. Her lips moved, but no sound was heard. Eli jumped to the conclusion that she was drunk. He approached her and said, “You’re drunk! How long do you plan to keep this up? Sober up, woman!”

Hannah said, “Oh no, sir—please! I’m a woman hard used. I haven’t been drinking. Not a drop of wine or beer. The only thing I’ve been pouring out is my heart, pouring it out to God. Don’t for a minute think I’m a bad woman. It’s because I’m so desperately unhappy and in such pain that I’ve stayed here so long.”

Eli answered her, “Go in peace. And may the God of Israel give you what you have asked of him.”
“Think well of me—and pray for me!” she said, and went her way. Then she ate heartily, her face radiant.  Up before dawn, they worshiped God and returned home to Ramah. Elkanah slept with Hannah his wife, and God began making the necessary arrangements in response to what she had asked.

Before the year was out, Hannah had conceived and given birth to a son. She named him Samuel, explaining, “I asked God for him.”

When Elkanah next took his family on their annual trip to Shiloh to worship God, offering sacrifices and keeping his vow, Hannah didn’t go. She told her husband, “After the child is weaned, I’ll bring him myself and present him before God—and that’s where he’ll stay, for good.”  Elkanah said to his wife, “Do what you think is best. Stay home until you have weaned him. Yes! Let God complete what he has begun!”  So she did. She stayed home and nursed her son until she had weaned him. Then she took him up to Shiloh, bringing also the makings of a generous sacrificial meal—a prize bull, flour, and wine. The child was so young to be sent off!

They first butchered the bull, then brought the child to Eli. Hannah said, “Excuse me, sir. Would you believe that I’m the very woman who was standing before you at this very spot, praying to God? I prayed for this child, and God gave me what I asked for. And now I have dedicated him to God. He’s dedicated to God for life.”

Then and there, they worshiped God.

There are many reasons I love this book and this story.  One of them is that it's my grandmother's favorite too.  I sat with her one day and we talked about this and how she loved to read about the faith Hannah had, and the promise that came from that.  

Hannah had many reasons to feel discouraged and bitter, but instead of letting all of those emotions dictate her faithfulness to the Lord - she just prayed.  And it was not some "Dear God, just....." it was a heartfelt, tearful, from the depths of her soul, taking it to the foot of the cross, pleading to God in Heaven, being on her face, faith that moves mountains, prayer.  

It was in that, that she gave everything in her over to the Lord.  Literally.  I love what happened next.

"and God began making the necessary arrangements in response to what she had asked."

The Lord was working behind the scenes, in ways she couldn't see at the time, and in those deep places in her heart, that came out of her intensity for Him.  Then one day......what she must have felt that first day she knew she was with child.  I can't even imagine what that must have been like for her.

Well, I kinda can.  Maybe not physically, as in I all the sudden become pregnant.....but, how that feels the day God does something huge that I have been praying for, that I couldn't see He had been working on all the time.   

God is always working behind what our earthly and physical eyes and mind can see and understand.  He is always many steps ahead of us.  He is always preparing us to birth something new for His glory, His kingdom, His plan, His love.  

Now that I have a home, that is completed, it's time for the next part of the journey, for new things to be birthed.  

Adjusting to all the dirty hand prints on the newly painted walls, little black curly hairs in the bathrooms sink from hair picking, a drawer just for cereal, a drawer just for hot chips and noodles, a drawer just for freeze pops, a couch that constantly moves because it is being jumped on, flipped over, and used as a wrestling ring, a sticky porch, dirty floors, dirty dishes, taking the trash out several times a day, grocery store trips just about every day, and it goes on and on and on, new things I have never had to do before, experience, learn to deal with, and walk through.  

My friend Courtney reminded me last week, "in those moments when you want to get frustrated because your favorite juice in the refrigerator is all gone, just stop, and be thankful that you have little ones to drink it all up."  Wise friend.  

Hannah went to the Lord with the thing she desired most in the world, and she told the Lord that if He would give her that, she would give him back to Him.  And what God had planned for Samuel - came out of her willingness to sacrifice herself to the Lord.

This morning I was making my rounds picking up boys to take them to school.  I pick up JaDarius every morning at 7:30.  He's always sitting on the front steps at his house, with his backpack on, his little hoodie, and just waiting on me to get there.  I had a little "moment" as I watched him walk to the car, just stopping and being so thankful that he is alive.  He was shot back in December the day before they got out for Christmas break.  It's a miracle he is alive, really.  And here we are only 5 months later and he is healing and recovering from something the enemy tried to use to kill him.  Caught him yesterday trying to take a nap on my bed.  I love it. 

When I went to the Lord on this journey, poured my heart out to the Lord, and told Him I would do anything He wanted me to do......He took me up on that.  The good, the bad, the hard, the ugly, the funny, all of it.  Just like Hannah, giving all of herself to the Lord, her blessing and reward was birthing one of the greatest priest in the history of the world.  I'll take all the little curly hairs and dirty walls for my little army of warriors that are being birthed in this season.