tears of pain

For the last few weeks, I have been crying.  A lot.  More than I think I ever have in my life.  Two weeks ago I sat down, wiped my snot off my face, opened my Bible, and turned to the next section in 1 Samuel to read, and the title of that section was "A hard life with many tears"  Yep.   It was exactly what I had been feeling, and have been feeling. 

"By this time Eli was very old. He kept getting reports on how his sons were ripping off the people and sleeping with the women who helped out at the sanctuary. Eli took them to task: “What’s going on here? Why are you doing these things? I hear story after story of your corrupt and evil carrying on. Oh, my sons, this is not right! These are terrible reports I’m getting, stories spreading right and left among God’s people! If you sin against another person, there’s help—God’s help. But if you sin against God, who is around to help?”  But they were far gone in disobedience and refused to listen to a thing their father said. So God, who was fed up with them, decreed their death. But the boy Samuel was very much alive, growing up, blessed by God and popular with the people."  1 Samuel 2:22-26

It is really hard for me to grasps that the sons of Eli were that far gone in sin that God just decreed their death.  They must have been worse that anything we have ever seen in our time on earth.  Think of the most evil person you have ever encountered, or seen on the news, and they had to have been a million times worse than that.  Sinning out of ignorance v/s sinning out of deliberate intention.  God don't play.

"A holy man came to Eli and said: “This is God’s message: I revealed myself openly to your ancestors when they were Pharaoh’s slaves in Egypt. Out of all the tribes of Israel, I chose your family to be my priests: to preside at the Altar, to burn incense, to wear the priestly robes in my presence. I put your ancestral family in charge of all the sacrificial offerings of Israel. So why do you now treat as mere loot these very sacrificial offerings that I commanded for my worship? Why do you treat your sons better than me, turning them loose to get fat on these offerings, and ignoring me? Therefore—this is God’s word, the God of Israel speaking—I once said that you and your ancestral family would be my priests indefinitely, but now—God’s word, remember!—there is no way this can continue."  27-30

I honor those who honor me;
those who scorn me I demean.

 Eli obviously had a hard time controlling his sons.  When they messed up, he must not have disciplined them, even knowing how wild they were.  He wasn't just overlooking the sins of his sons, but he was also a high priest that ignored the sins of the priest under his leadership. 

   

Are there places in your life, family, work, friends that are deliberate sins you allow to continue, even when you know they are wrong?  We can be just as guilty and face consequences as those that are actually "sinning." 

 

“Be well warned: It won’t be long before I wipe out both your family and your future family. No one in your family will make it to old age! You’ll see good things that I’m doing in Israel, but you’ll see it and weep, for no one in your family will live to enjoy it. I will leave one person to serve at my Altar, but it will be a hard life, with many tears. Everyone else in your family will die before their time. What happens to your two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, will be the proof: Both will die the same day. Then I’ll establish for myself a true priest. He’ll do what I want him to do, be what I want him to be. I’ll make his position secure and he’ll do his work freely in the service of my anointed one. Survivors from your family will come to him begging for handouts, saying, ‘Please, give me some priest work, just enough to put some food on the table.’”  31-36

The recognition and respect Eli earned in public did not extend to the handling of his own family in private.  He may have been an excellent priest, but he was not a good parent.  Even when God pointed out his problems and gave him ways to correct them, he choose to ignore them and let his sons do whatever they wanted, eventually causing their death.  

Being a parent is hard.  This is my first, and may be my only chance in this life to get to do this, and it is way harder than I ever expected.  Sometimes I think, "what am I doing, these aren't even my kids!!!!!"  yes, I say that to myself many times.  Then I think.......they are God's children, not mine, and I am His child, and He is our Father, so we are all in this together.  Get back on track.  

All these tears I have been shedding the last few weeks - I didn't even know I could cry like this.  Where have they been storing up for all these years?  Apparently stored up until I became a "mama."

boys and girls dressed up for their 8th grade ball - cry.

boys dressed up and walking across the stage for 8th grade graduation - cry

boys and girl graduating from high school - cry

driving boy to Florida to leave here and start fresh there - cry 

boy getting arrested - cry.  seeing boy in orange jump suit and chained up in court - cry.  answering collect calls from boy every day - cry.  seeing boy's face through the monitor at the jail - cry, cry, cry, cry, cry (boys even said when I walked out "I told ya'll she was gonna come out crying)

boy messaging me from prison every day - cry

boy not messaging me one day and I get worried about him - cry

boys eating all the food I just bought - cry

boys cleaning the house without me asking - cry

boys fighting in the house - cry

boys laughing in the house playing uno - cry

 

you get the picture - just two weeks worth of crying right here.  

 

it's been hard, people.  real, real hard.  but it's been a big, hot, beautiful mess of hard.  If I sat back and didn't say anything, what good would I be here?  Even when it's hard, even when they think I am crazy, even when they get tired of listening to me, even when I cry, it is still good>hard.

In this thing called "parenting", whether it is your own child or you are just part of the village it takes to raise one, don't be like Eli and ignore the sin - speak truth, even if your voice shakes - over and over and and over and over and over.  Because one day they will get it....just like Samuel did. 

 

I told boy Monday when I was looking at him through that monitor at the jail......

 

YOU ARE WORTH IT 

 

I am praying Luke 15 over my boy every day.  

"Then Jesus told them this parable: “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders ⁶ and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’  I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."

Meet Chris.  He's so funny.  He's very quiet, very soft spoken, but always has something really intelligent and funny to say.  I have so enjoyed getting to know him and spend time with him over the last few months.  He has helped me with so much at my house, from cleaning to painting to moving to just coming to hang out.  He's really a joy to be around. 

We were in the car one day and I noticed the tattoo he has on his arm.  It took a minute for me to read what it says "Tears of Pain".  When I asked him what it meant, he said it was just about all the tears of pain he has had in his life.  He caught his first charge when he was 14, spent time in prison, and dropped out of school.  But he is now 18, going to school to get his GED, a hard worker, stays out of trouble, really wants a job, and he's funny.
 
The tattoo on his arm is a little faded.  He told me that right after he got it, he was walking in the rain, and it washed some of the ink off. 

Just like Jesus does - washes all our tears of pain away.